Can People with CPTSD Ever Feel Love?
CPTSD and Love
Can people with CPTSD ever feel love?
Yes.
It sounds like a silly question, but those with CPTSD can feel SO far from being lovable and feeling “love.”
Why it may be hard to feel love is that CPTSD is a trauma AND relational disorder. In many of my clients, the origin of the trauma began in the context of relationship. Often times the trauma occurred at a young age, which complicated the child’s emotional, mental, physical and spiritual development. What I have seen commonly in those with CPTSD is that they want to have a healthy relationship with self and be seen by others.
To actually feel accepted, loved and relate to yourself in a healthy way requires modeling from caregivers and is a learned behavior. This means that if you didn’t have caregivers that were attuned to your needs, you likely didn’t learn how to relate to yourself in a healthy way. It also means that if you didn’t have an attuned parent or caregiver, you’ll have to reparent yourself with basic self-care.
So how can you start to feel love if you have CPTSD?
There are two approaches that helped me tap into self-love and what I often use to teach my clients. One was when I was in the midst of the peak of my trauma response. I felt absolutely unlovable by myself and by others. The other was derived from *mostly* overcoming “Imposter Syndrome.”
In my early 20’s I was engaging in a lot of dangerous behaviors such as binge drinking. At a moment where I was at my rockbottom, I courageously decided to stop. I couldn’t imagine loving myself but I could imagine being less negative towards myself. I wouldn’t even have a friend talk to me the way that I talked to myself. After I made that commitment shortly after I decided that I would stop binge drinking. Somehow, changing my self-talk opened up the capacity for self care.
The next approach is rooted when I developed “Imposter Syndrome.” Here I was giving these big talks all over the world about PTSD, and I felt like the biggest fake. I would feel anxious and paralyzed. I talked to my therapist about it and she said the most brilliant thing: “There isn’t really anything you can do about the feeling of being an imposter, what is the most import ant is that you are leaning into the actions that are consistent with someone who is successful.”
You may feel like an imposter in the self-love department, but taking actions that are loving towards yourself will eventually help you to FEEL the love. So, if you are struggling to feel love, can you begin to say less unkind things to yourself? Can you take a small loving action for yourself today? See how these two simple things can start to change your relationship to youself.
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