How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself

Are you hard on yourself?

This is something I see a lot in people who have had complex trauma or have had adverse experiences in childhood. They often have very strong feelings of guilt, worthlessness and a sense that they are always doing something wrong. In fact, it’s one of the core symptoms of having complex PTSD, which is a negative view of self. The intensity of the negative view of self is so well engrained that it’s hard for those with complex trauma to even have any neutral and much less a positive sense of self.  They strongly identify that they are a “bad person” and that there is something wrong with them.

What are some examples of being hard on yourself?

One way that being hard on yourself shows up is through perfectionism or have an unrealistic expectations for yourself. You also take on undue responsibility for other people’s emotions around you. You may feel guilty about your performance even when others say that it’s sufficient or good. You may also overthink things from the past, wondering if you could have done something better. You may also reject any kind of positive or neutral feedback from others, such as “good job,” or “you handled that well.” What is pervasive is the sense that you could’ve always done better and it’s never enough. If something isn’t quite what you expected, you blame yourself without taking into account other people or other factors that contributed to the outcome. You may also take on responsibility for having made people “feel” a certain way.

What can cause you to be hard on yourself?

The development of perfectionistic tendencies often happens at a young age, when we cope with our environment and stressors through internalizing them. This is especially true if we don’t have a consistent attachment figure  or caregiver who can help us mediate our emotions and act to help us regulate our emotional stress. Over time, perfectionism also collapses with other negative beliefs such as shame, low self-esteem and social isolation. By hyperfocusing on ourselves, we are attempting to gain control in our environment and our negative emotions. If we are in the cycle of overthinking, perfectionism and self-reproach, it seemingly gives us a sense that we have control, have a point of focus to act upon to “be better,” and momentarily soothes us. The downside is that this continues to reinforce our belief that something is wrong with us. So how can we break the habit of beating ourselves up?

Recognizing Our Own Pain as the Access to Stop Overthinking

When we are in a cycle of beating ourselves up, I call attention the suffering that it brings to my clients. I help them to get present with the pain that perfectionism is causing them and the internal struggle that it brings. This helps them to move away from the over thinking brain and actually embodying their physical experience, which is often difficult to recognize but breaks the cycle. It helps them become aware to their struggle and actually get present to the emotions that overthinking can cover up. When you are beating yourself up, ask yourself: “How does beating myself up or giving myself a hard time actually make me feel? What emotions are coming up for me right now for me?” This can be quite intense, so proceed cautiously or with a skilled practitioner.

Using the Inner Child to Draw Self Compassion

When we are present to the emotions and experience of being hard on ourselves, it can be a tremendous opportunity to learn self-compassion. Self-compassion is the ability to offer ourselves kindness, especially during times of struggle. I often engage in inner child work, as most complex trauma survivors have a hard time of relating to themselves. I do some compassionate inquiry such as: “If you were to imagine a younger version of you, and they were being told these things, how would they receive it?” Often times my clients would respond with “crying,” or “sad.” From this, I would then begin to introduce self-compassion, such as prompting them to do or say something to help their little version cope such as a hug, kind word or distraction measures.

When we beat ourselves up, it’s a way for us to gain control over our emotions and our environment. The downside is that it creates pain, low self-esteem and leaves us having the experience that we aren’t good enough. While difficult, becoming present with what beating ourselves up does to us can help us become compassionate to ourselves.